


The Struggles of a Cryptonloid

by Karamel_4432



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, How Do I Tag, I promise guys there will be a happy ending for everyone, Ill update the tags as i post, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Mental Health Issues, Probably gonna be kinky, Self-Harm, no beta we die like men, slow burn maybe?, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:01:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29029839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karamel_4432/pseuds/Karamel_4432
Summary: When Kaito's launch day turns into a huge failure, barely breaking 50 sales he doubts everything he ever thought about himself and hides away in his room.Meiko feels guilty about what Kaito has turned into and blames herself, pushing herself deeper into anger and alcohol.Rin is jealous of her twins popularity which festers into violence and hatred.Miku is being crushed under the pressure of #1, turning her into a self loathing perfectionist monster.Luka doesn't know how to deal with her new feelings for Miku and feels guilty for seeing her as more than a friend.Len blames himself for this trainwreck.
Relationships: Hatsune Miku/Megurine Luka, Kaito/Meiko (Vocaloid)
Kudos: 15





	1. Crushing Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all ^-^ Karamel here :>>> This is my first long term story I'm posting on A03 so hopefully it isn't trash. I started this months ago and finally got the will to finish it. I just love Kaito so much he's my precious bean that deserves the world. I hope you guys stay with me through writing this :D

This was an exciting day for Kaito. Probably the most exciting day he’s ever experienced. Today was February 15th, Just one day from his launch. Everyone at Yamaha and Crypton Future Media was cheering for him. It made him feel good, like he had purpose. Taro had gotten a name, It was KAITO, made to match the already successful MEIKO. After a long time of hard work his voicebank was complete; he was sure everyone would love him and praise him. Kaito could barely sleep that night with excitement. He was gonna try his hardest to be a success, he would make it. Oh how wrong his pure little heart was.

The 16th rolled around and what Kaito expected to wake up to was loads of purchases, love and encouragement. When Kaito woke up he sped through his quite vigorous morning routine. Kaito took care of himself well, he worked out in the morning, ate balanced meals, did basically everything he possibly could to keep his voicebank in check.

Kaito finally worked up his nerves to see the sales on his laptop. His hands were shaking with excitement. His heart shattered. 48 sales. 48. Meiko’s initial release got her over 500 in sales in the first week, and over 2000 in the year. She was successful. He slowly closed the laptop with a blank face. He was sure it was just a fluke. Yeah that’s right, just a fluke.

A week passed when Kaito finally decided to look again, how many sales would there be, 200? 300? Kaito wasn't expecting Meiko’s success, but how could he possibly be a failure when he tried so hard. His fingers trembled with fear and anxiety, not excitement. 56 sold units. He was truly a financial failure.

It was awkward for Kaito to be at Crypton's headquarters, what used to be a loving and supportive environment was now… oddly cold and desolate. The workers he once considered friends either ignored him or gave him dirty looks. He would see prototype designs of Miku in the place that his blueprints were once placed. They were beautiful and cute. Surely she would be popular. He had spoken to miku a couple times but it was awkward because she couldn’t speak properly. He could hear whispers behind his back as he approached the team lead behind his project. He felt a pit in his stomach and it made him want to puke. Kaito wanted to leave, he wanted to get out and just go back to his room. 

Kaito nervously held his arm as he approached her. “What do you want Kaito?” Misaki’s tone was annoyed. He couldn’t blame her, his failure probably docked her pay along with the rest of the team. “W-what do I do now.” Suddenly all the confidence he had a week ago was gone. Misaki was wearing black heels and dark grey pants, he didn’t know what shirt she was wearing.

Misaki shrugged. “Play some video games or make me a coffee, I dunno whatever you want to do.”

Her words hurt. A lot. They stung Kaito’s chest and bit at his heart

He walked back to the house he shared with Meiko. When he walked in he didn’t even take off his shoes. “Hey that’s dirty, what the hell are you doing.” Meiko was holding a ladle and what seemed to be beef curry cooking on the stove from the rich smell that filled the house. Meiko’s cooking always cheered him up but now Kaito could barely manage to look at Meiko’s face without crying. She was everything he needed to be. She was everything he wanted to be. She was everything he would never be. 

Kaito went to his room and locked the door. An unexpected wave of relief washed over him, was his room always this relaxing? He never particularly liked or hated his room. It was a decent size with a nice bed and pretty blue walls. It no longer felt like a room to him, it felt like the only space he had that was free from judgement or expectations. The lump in his stomach wasn’t there anymore. He finally felt comfortable again and Kaito really didn’t like the idea of leaving. Not anymore at least.

When Kaito didn’t show up for dinner Meiko got worried. Kaito never skipped dinner unless he had plans but she knew he was home. Meiko wouldn’t lie to herself she was definitely nervous. Meiko knew how abominably bad his sales were. She knocked gently on his door but there was no response, she knocked again until the door cracked open just a smidge and kaito poked his head out.

Meiko could tell the lights in his room were off and since it was evening that means he was just sitting in the dark for no reason. But what really caught her attention was his face. It was a mix of dark purple and red from sleep deprivation and crying most likely. Something seemed off with the way that he talked but Meiko figured it would go back to normal soon, he just needed some time to get over it. 

“Y-yes?” The way he talked seemed on edge, like any moment he would run away like a stray cat being approached.

“I uhh brought you the dinner I made. It’s one of your favorites, beef curry.”

Kaito shook his head. “I’m not hungry.” And then slammed the door shut. 

She barely saw him after that, and when she did he would scurry off. Sometimes she could hear video games or weird… gasping sounds? Like a choked cry of pain. Meiko got more worried about him as the days flew by. Meiko wasn’t super busy but Kaito wasn’t busy at all. Since his release not a single person had made a song with him and it had been months.

Meiko was never able to work up the courage to open his door.


	2. Nervous Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I go overboard with how much issues Kaito has?? IDK I just did what feels right. Enjoy the chapter y'all and don't forget to seek help if you are struggling :>> I know how hard it can be.

Kaito spent so many days alone in his little room that he lost track of everything. Garbage was stacked up on his floors and everything was thrown everywhere. His clothes, his plates and silverware, everything. He looked longingly at his coat that was nearly hung up. It had been so long since he got ready to go outside. He wanted to go, but just the thought of leaving his room filled him with a pit of anxiety and fear. He was useless trash, what point was there to going outside? That everyone would judge him for being a failure, a useless waste of money that everyone would forget? Kaito looked at his dull and bloody box cutter, he would need a new one soon. 

Kaito played video games all day. What else was there to do? When he wasn’t distracting himself with video games he would fall into the void of self loathing and falling back on his toxic habits. The way he treated Meiko weighed on him heavily, she would bring him three meals a day and all he did was leave a thank you note. It made him feel like the trash he was. Meiko always loved cooking but she loved seeing people eat her food more than making it. Kaito knew he was a burden to her and even the new miku. He had never seen her but he’s heard her voice through the door a couple times.

Oh god. Miku destroyed him. Miku was an instant success, even more so than Meiko. It hurt but he was glad. Glad that she wouldn’t have to feel like he does on a daily basis. But even with those positive thoughts he couldn’t help feeling jealous and insufficient. Not long after Miku joined, Kaito noticed that there would be frequent knocks and giggles outside his door. Kaito knew it was the recently released Kagamine's but he didn’t know why they terrorized him. He started cutting himself double the amount he did from all the knocks until they eventually stopped. He must’ve gotten boring to them. It almost made him a little sad if he wasn’t so relieved.

Kaito stopped opening his door to grab food instead foraging the fridge in the dead of night. He didn’t want to risk being seen.

But one night he made a fatal error, a mistake. He had gone to the fridge but there was no food there. Meiko always left him a couple servings. Wh-where were they? The refrigerator is going to start beeping soon. Kaito panicked, his heart felt like it was going to explode out of his chest. He heard two sets of footsteps paired along with giggles that made his hands tremble. He didn’t want to be seen, he didn’t want to be noticed, he didn’t want to be loathed, he wanted to be back in his room. These thoughts swarmed in his head at a sickeningly fast rate until the lights turned on. 

It was the Kagamine's and they were holding the portions Meiko left for him. 

“Woah he’s real Rin.”

Len tapped Rin's shoulder as she nodded at him with excitement.

“Yeah Meiko-nee always talked about how he was real but I always kind of doubted her.”

Kaito froze. Oh god. 

“Hi Kaito! I'm Rin” She gave a big smile “This is Len” She motioned to the banana boy next to them.

Kaito pressed his back against the fridge before his knees collapsed. His greasy unkempt hair fell in front of his face and he pulled up his scarf to cover his mouth. 

“P-p-p-please l-l-l-leave m-me al-l-lon-n-ne”

Kaito stammered through the first sentence he had spoken in so long he practically forgot what his voice sounded like.

“Woah cool stutter dude”

“Hey that’s mean Len.”

Rin gave Len a little shove before approaching with a gentle smile. Kaito couldn’t handle the company and felt whatever semblance of food he had left come back out from sheer nervousness. Tears fell onto the floor as he continued to dry heave and mutter apologies. 

“Are you okay?” 

Rin and Len looked at each other with concern. They didn’t realize this would happen. It was just a harmless prank so they could finally meet him. They didn’t stop to think about why Kaito hid away, or how long it had been since he came out. They were needlessly reckless. Kaito was an utter mess. 

Meiko rushed in out of seemingly nowhere but it was probably more like why are all the lights on at 2 am and who’s crying.

“What the fuck is going on.” She spots the shivering mess on the floor and her eyes widen as the dots connect. “Go to your rooms, you’ve done enough.” They nodded and left feeling guily and dejected, they really didn’t mean for this to happen. 

Meiko scooped him up and Kaito tried to resist the physical touch, but was too exhausted. He zoned in and out as Meiko carried his frail and skinny body.

“M-meiko…”

Kaito couldn’t even finish his sentence before passing out.

Meiko spent the whole night wondering what he was going to say.

She attempted to cover her mouth while entering his room and it was just as disgusting as she thought it would be. The brunette also had her answer to what those weird choking noises came from. The bloody box cutter and tissues said everything. Meiko just couldn’t will herself to roll up Kaito’s sleeves so she settled with placing him on his futon and shutting the door.

The next morning he heard loud noises on the other side of the door. It was Meiko. He peeked outside and saw that she was yelling at the twins. His heart raced, should he intervene. All this social interaction hurt, it made his head feel like it was going to burst. Self deprecating thoughts ran through his head.

He steeled himself before slowly opening the door. 

“I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO WOULD DO THAT.”

They had both apologized but Meiko continued, it was no secret she had anger issues.

“Do you guys even know what you’ve done?”

“We’re Sorry Meiko-nee”

“Do you think sorry is eno-“

Kaito placed his pale and bony hand on Meiko’s shoulder and tried to muster up the courage to smile. 

“D-don't w-worry about it. Th-they didn’t know m-Meiko. L-let it go.”

“But-“ 

Kaito shook his head.

The twins looked at him with puppy dog eyes and it made him uncomfortable although almost in a good way, It was refreshing. Kaito wouldn’t lie to himself, he felt so relieved to finally  _ talk _ to people. He’s spent so long having all these imaginary conversations with imaginary people in imaginary situations. So much time in fact that he couldn’t actually distinguish them from reality or fiction anymore.

He still felt anxiety but...it’s not like he was going outside, just inside his house, he could do it, he did it before and he could do it again. He had lived this way for so long and he was getting tired of it. Plus, he had a lot he needed to say to Meiko. So so so much. 

Honestly Kaito hated the way he lived, he didn’t remember the last time he showered, even though he was a Vocaloid so he didn’t get that dirty in general but his hair was gross, it felt like a thick mop and the little sweat he did have had accumulated for a disgusting amount of time. He needed a bath. Luckily Miku wasn’t around much, neither were the twins but they were home more than her, so she was easy to avoid.

Kaito walked back and forth in his room, kicking trash out of the way to give himself time to think. What if Meiko judges him, what if the Kagamine twins decide they hate him. What if- there was a knock on the door that interrupted his thoughts.

A muffled voice could be heard “Kaito-nii! Kaito-nii! Come play with us!!”

“Hey Rin he probably doesn’t want to, just leave him alone it’s for the best.”

“Whatttt… stop being so uptight! You were talking about how you wanted to talk to Kaito-nii more.”

They want to be with me. 

They want to be with me.

Kaito muttered this to himself as he placed his hand on the doorknob, the thought filled him with excitement. His heart felt like it was going to jump out of his chest. This moment was probably a long time coming without Kaito even realizing it.

“Anyway, Kaito-nii play games with us!”

“Ha I bet he can’t beat my score.”

Kaito opened the door with a little shove and was immediately greeted with an energetic hug from rin. 

“Hello!”

“H-hello.” 

Kaito stiffened up and attempted to push her away but he couldn’t, she trained regularly, danced, ate properly, slept properly and had a healthy lifestyle. Kaito did not. So this young girl was much stronger than he was.

“Rin, are you trying to squeeze the oxygen out of Kaito? His face is gonna be as blue as his hair soon.” Len gave a little giggle at his joke and pulled Rin off of him.

“Kaito...” Rin gave Kaito a little sniff.

“Y-yes?”

“You smell like depression.”

“R-rin, w-what does that even mean.”

“Hmm, like a mixture of lack of showering and trash, also food and blood. I can’t really pinpoint what food but it’s definitely there.”

“Woah lemme see.”

Len went up and sniffed Kaito. 

“Woah you’re right, take a shower dude.”

“Can we go in your room?”

All these words were flying at him faster than the love rivals in an otome game. 

“I- I don’t r-really think that’s a good idea.”

“Huh I wanna go iiiiinn. C’mon c’mon pleeeaase”

“Rin don't push it.”

She nodded, they didn’t want a repeat of what happened the other night.

“So do you wanna play games with us or not?”

“S-sure let me just go put on a jacket.”

“Why do you need a jacket, it’s summer and pretty warm in here.” Rin asked with innocent intentions and Len elbowed her in the side. Kaito couldn’t take the questioning anymore and disappeared into the void of his room. Rin spoke up about the violence that was inflicted on her.

“What the hell was that for dude?”

“Shut up Rin you’re being stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

“Forget it.”

Kaito came out wearing his grey and blue hoodie shortly after, just missing the quiet conversation the twins had.

“S-so uhh w-what game are we gonna play?”

“Come check out our collection”

Rin grabbed Kaito’s hand and led him to their room. They had a pretty decent set up and a modest selection of games.

“What games do you play?”

Kaito looked at the selection and found a couple games he knew were good.

Two hours later Len threw his controller at the ground. 

“Why can’t I beat you in anything!?”

Kaito just gave a nervous chuckle and went on continuing to play against Rin who was definitely a better loser than her brother.

Len dug through the games and pulled out an older one.

“This is the hardest game I have and it only has one strategy game guide on the internet, I’ve read it up and played this game like crazy there’s no way you can beat me.”

Kaito just gave a nervous laugh.

An hour later Len wasn't mad, he was just blank. How could Kaito beat him so badly?

“Did you read the game guide too?”

“N-no I w-wrote it.”

Len broke. He just stopped responding, his soul utterly crushed and defeated.

Rin decided to butt into the conversation.

“Well I guess that makes sense since you didn’t come out of your room for so long. What's your favorite game?” The bubbly blonde asked.

“Ahh uhh I- um” Kaito started sputtering and stammering, he didn’t really have a favorite game. How was he supposed to answer. What if Rin had expectations for his answer. These thoughts started to creep up on him yet again and anxiety started to set in. Kaito wanted to leave but he didn’t want to hurt their feelings. 

“Kaito are you okay?”

Len placed a hand on Kaito's shoulder and he jumped away. Kaito started muttering apologies as he tried to make himself seem small, curling up his legs to his chest. He was wrong; he couldn’t handle it after all. His room seemed far away. He felt like he wanted to puke and cry at the same time.

The twins watched his quick spiral into self-loathing insanity before their very eyes and neither Rin or Len knew what to do, they saw it before a while ago with the kitchen incident but this was different somehow. The other time was an accident, this time it felt like their fault. Len the quick thinker thought it was better to do something than nothing at all.

“Rin you stay with Kaito, make sure he doesn’t get self destructive. I'm gonna go get Meiko-nee”

Rin could only nod, she never liked these situations but she tried to do her best and comfort him as Len ran across the (quite big) house.


	3. Broken Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I'm a little conflicted over this chapter ^-^; If anyone has any constructive criticism on how to make my writing better that would be greatly appreciated :D

“Meiko-nee!” Len slammed Meiko’s door open which scared the shit out of her, causing her to slam the book she was reading shut in an instant.

“What the hell do you want len?”

Len’s brain started to malfunction as he spoke extremely fast, “Well we were playing video games with kaito because we asked him too and he said yes surprisingly but then! Rin asked him his favorite game and Kaito got all stammery and started breathing really fast and is he okay? Is he gonna die? Did we kill Kaito-nii? Meiko Meiko help us.”

All these words flew at Meiko faster than she could recognize them and form a coherent thought.

“Calm down, tell me what happened in a single sentence”

Len stopped, thought about it and gave his answer.

“Kaito-nii is panicking downstairs and we don't know why.”   
  


Meiko walked downstairs to see Rin doing her best trying to calm down Kaito who wouldn’t stop apologizing and choking back tears. It broke her heart to see him like this, truly. They pretty much grew up together and he was the sort of dumb but kind and happy go lucky guy who never had anything but good intentions. Kaito seemed broken and incomplete, always on guard. Slowly she walked up to Kaito, as if approaching a small animal and she honestly didn’t know what to do. Rin and Len backed off and Meiko shooed them away with a thank you and a small wave of her hand. They nodded and ran upstairs to their room in unison, leaving Meiko alone with Kaito.

It took awhile for Kaito to notice Meiko even though she had sat down right next to him. Kaito pulled his hands to his chest, making a desperate attempt to hide them. The way Kaito’s eyelids hung low and his body slumped Meiko knew Kaito must have been exhausted. It was understandable. He hadn’t had this much interaction in over two years.

“Please don't judge me, please don't hate me, please don't pity me.” Kaito kept repeating those words between choked cries and gasps for air. Meiko wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

“Why would I judge you and hate you when I love you so much.” 

Kaito gave her a bewildered look, like he had never even considered the option that he could be loved. Who could like him when all he did was hide away.

“That's not true, I'm a failure undeserving of that affection.”

“That's not true Kaito, we all love you very much.” Meiko gave Kaito’s head a rub and reeled her hand back almost immediately, it was like if hair oils congealed into a thick substance. Kaito didn't smell that terrible because still took showers from time to time. They were very short, even though they were Vocaloids and didn’t get as gross, not washing your hair was inevitably gonna be gross.

“When’s the last time you washed your hair?”

“Around uhh around two years ago.”

“Go shower… now”

“D-do I have too? What if someone accidentally comes in or I take too long or use up all the hot water. What if a shower is all it takes for you to hate me?”

Meiko gave a sigh, “Do you want me to wait outside for you?”

Kaito gave a vigorous nod which Meiko found absolutely adorable.

Standing outside the bathroom door Meiko waited patiently as she sat by. Whenever something slipped out of Kaito’s hand he would start apologizing which was equally cute as it was sad. Meiko could only force out an injured smile. She let this happen. she let his confidence shatter. 

She heard a loud squeal like noise and then crashing and banging. Meiko barged in to see kaito covered in spilled soaps and shampoos. This was the bathroom that Meiko and Kaito shared but you could barely tell because he only used the toilet. His sink area was empty. It was like he didn’t even live in this house. 

“Jesus christ Kaito what happened?”

“I’m sorry. I slipped and ruined all of your stuff. You must be angry.”

His thinking hurt Meiko, in the totem pole of importance to people: Kaito put himself below soap. Soap. 

“It’s okay, as long as you’re not hurt.”

“I’m fine.” Kaito cracked a small smile before realizing he was naked and with intense embarrassment shooed Meiko out. It made her remember when he would prowl around the house in little to nothing, usually only a scarf and underwear and sometimes not even underwear. Whenever he was confronted about it by any one he would just respond with something cocky like “Nice view isn’t it.” The differences were crushing Meiko with guilt.

A while later Kaito comes out and looks different, still wearing the oversized hoodie but definitely cleaner.

Kaito tried to disappear into his room but Meiko didn’t let him, stepping into the literal germ den that Kaito called home. It was truly repulsive how someone could live in this.

“We are cleaning up.”

“What? But this is fine isn’t it?” 

“No. No it’s not.” Meiko pointed to some of the oldest food left in the room that was ridden with black mold. 

“You see that? That’s dangerous as hell Kaito. I’ll call in the twins to help, go get trash bags, gloves, and masks. Miku is even here so she might help out too.”

Kaito has been deliberately avoiding, he had only met her while she was still in development. 

“I don’t really think this is a good idea…”

“Don’t be silly, this place is disgusting, also you should probably sleep in my room.”

“Why?”

“The black mold could get you really sick.”

“It’s been fine all this time hasn’t it?”

“We still need to get it cleaned professionally.”

“Oh-okay.”

Meiko yelled for the twins and Rin rushed into his room. She had always wondered what it was like in here so now that she had the chance she was going to take this opportunity, even if she had to clean which she despised doing. At least she would get to look through Kaito’s stuff. Immediately Kaito felt crowded. People were barging into his space… they shouldn’t be in here. This was his safe space where no one else could go, where no one could hurt Kaito and Kaito could hurt no one. 

“I really don’t think this is a good idea…”

Len walked in with a roll of trash bags, gloves and masks for the four of them. Kaito just clutched onto him nervously. Kaito probably couldn’t even get up from the bed, his legs were trembling. Meiko looked over at him, she was gonna try to get this done as fast as possible.

“Okay, if it looks like trash throw it away unless it’s clothes or salvageable items. If it’s dishes, set to the side unless it’s got black mold on it. Anything with mold on it should be thrown away.”

The twins gave a nod and started getting to work. For the most part what they were throwing out didn’t bother him. Just trash day from takeout and other assorted stuff for the most part.

It took them a long time, sorting and throwing away full trash bags. They had been at it for almost three hours now and the room wasn’t looking any cleaner, just emptier. Len noticed a broken figurine on Kaito’s desk. It was from a very popular magical girl anime that had aired a couple years ago. The hand was broken off and some of the outfit parts were missing but it sat cleanly on the desk with no clutter around it. Len picked it up. 

“This is broken should I throw it away Meiko?”

“Go ahea-“

“NO.” Kaito lunged and quickly took the figurine into his possession.

“Y-you can’t.” Kaito clutched the figure protectively.

“Why? It’s broken. We can always buy you a new one.” Len attempted to reason with kaito.

Kaito shook his head hard. He held the broken figurine to his chest as if he was giving it a hug.

“Don’t hurt Miyuki, you can’t… s-she’s my friend.”

“Huh? But it’s just a figurine?” 

“N-no she’s not… she’s my friend who likes to play video games with me and makes me laugh.”

“It’s just a figure Kaito… hand it over”

Meiko didn’t step in, just watching events unfold. Even though it was cruel Meiko agreed with Len. He needed to let it go so he could move on.

Len grabbed it and started pulling it away from Kaito. With all of his strengths Kaito fought back. 

Rin tried to feebly stop it. “Hey guys… c’mon let’s stop fighting.”

“Let it go Kaito, it’s an inanimate object!” Len gave it an extra yank which Kaito had to fight back hard to keep it in his grip. Panting and tearing up Kaito could barely give a response. 

“M-miyuki… is… my...friend.”

This went on for a couple more minutes until with a loud CRACK, the head came off along with the legs. Kaito’s eyes widened with shock. Len turned around with a huff.

“H-hey len that was mean.”

Kaito didn't even let out a noise as he registered what was in front of him. After it clicked Kaito fell to the floor and started trying to put his friend back together while sobbing, his tears dripping onto the figurine's broken body.

“Look you made him cry.”

“Hmph it’s his fault for getting that attached to a broken doll.” Len hid his emotions under insults. He didn’t realize how important it was to Kaito until after it was broken beyond repair. Even if it was good for him to get rid of it, it shouldn’t have happened like this. Len got too blinded by his emotions and hurt his new friend and he couldn’t even apologize for it anymore. Rin crouched down by Kaito who was crying his eyes out.

Through sobs he choked and gagged on his words. 

“Miyuki… I’m… sorry.” He held the head as if he was speaking to it. “I’m sorry… you’ll… you’ll forgive me right?” He stared at it and then turned to Meiko.

“M-Meiko… Miyuki isn't responding anymore…”

Rin put her hand on Kaito’s, trying to comfort him with a smile. Kaito jerked away and slowly got a little calmer with each breath. 

“Kaito, Miyuki never responded in the first place, she’s a doll.”

“That’s not true!” Kaito exclaimed loudly as he protectively huddled over the broken pieces of his beloved Miyuki figurine.

“Th-that's not true…” Kaito’s voice came out shaky, as if he couldn’t even pretend to believe in that comforting lie. 

The rest of the cleaning went smoothly… sort of- Kaito just sat in the corner and sniffled as he rocked back and forth, sometimes interjecting at the violation of his personal space. Rin was soaking everything about his room up, from the weird smells to the racks of video games that made Rin confused every time her eyes glanced upon the expensive manga and consoles. Something felt off about it. Len on the other hand was trying to shield his eyes from the whole thing, especially certain “items” that made physically and mentally sick. He just couldn’t take it anymore and shuffled out of the room quietly.

Soon Rin got bored and scampered off into the house somewhere, leaving Kaito and Meiko alone. The silence between them made kaito feel like he was being crushed under the tension between them, with the sparse rustling and clacking of garbage bags and plates. Both of them had so much to say and yet were struggling to speak. It was almost funny. Almost.

Oddly enough Kaito was the first to speak “S-so… h-how ha-have th-th-things b-b-b-been” Kaito cursed his stutter, he knew what he wanted to say but as he was saying it the anxiety jumbled and fumbled his brain up and it was like his whole brain was stuttering under the pressure.

Meiko tried her best to give a response, “It’s been okay y’know, miku’s an interesting one and you’ve met the twins and seen how energetic it is around. Things are nice…” she gave a downcast look at the trash in her hand that was full of sorrow and frustration.

“Th-Th-That’s g-g-g-good” Kaito sighed with relief. He was glad that his absence wasn’t a burden on anyone because if he's gonna be a pathetic failure it's best if he doesn’t drag people down with him. At least that's where Kaito’s train of thought immediately went, correct or not.

He felt exhausted, they both did. Meiko finally cleared everything, all the trash, organized his stuff into piles and put in boxes which she would go through with Kaito. The room was completely empty at this point after a full 5 hours of cleaning, Kaito would have to sleep in her room or the couch tonight because of the toxic mold, she would call the cleaners tomorrow. First she had to deal with the bluenette swaying from side to side with his eyelids half closed. 

“C’mon Kaito let's go to my room, I have already moved the boxes with your stuff and we can go through it tomorrow, it’s getting late”

No response.

“Kaito?!” Meiko’s voice was filled with worry as she knelt down and shook his shoulders.

Kaito jolted as if being woken from a nap. “Y-yes?” He looked like a scared cat which only made Meiko want to protect him even more. 

“What was that?”

“Oh- uhm… haha… sometimes that happens cause my head always feels kinda fuzzy.” Kaito gave an awkward smile with an equally awkward chuckle that made both Meiko and Kaito cringe.

Kaito stood up and dusted himself off, shuffling behind Meiko quietly. Almost instantly Kaito crawled onto her bed, passing out. Meiko just sat next to him quietly, gently stroking his soft and beautiful blue hair. She knew how hard today was for him. 

“Goodnight Kaito.”

  
  
  



	4. Hopeful Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry for taking so long I haven't been able to motivate myself to write. Ill try to update on Mondays but we will see how that goes.

For once Kaito woke up with a clear head which was a refreshing change of pace. He probably didn’t realize how badly he was affected by that mold infecting his room. Meiko was up way before Kaito, getting ready and going grocery shopping. Kaito shuffled downstairs right when breakfast was ready. His eyes being a little less dark then they usually were from the first good nights sleep he’s had in ages.

Those same eyes widen in shock as he is instantly snapped out of the drowsiness by teal hair with a matching set of teal eyes. “Fuck.” Kaito whispered under his breath before running around the corner to where the people in the kitchen couldn’t see him. He could see his chest rising and falling at a fast rate better than he could feel himself hyperventilating. Around the corner; instantly, Meiko puts down the ladle filled with miso soup and runs to the panicking bluenette. 

“Hey- Hey Kaito calm down.” She placed a hand on his shoulder, not overlooking his flinch. 

Meiko’s face was distorted with worry and concern. “What happened?” 

“I- I- I- I- I- I-...” There was a pause that Kaito used to sob some more. “I- I don't-”

“Kaito can you hear me?” Meiko asked as she looked Kaito in his beautiful eyes full of tears. Kaito nodded as he wiped his tears with his sleeves, trying to retain any sense of maturity he might’ve had. Meiko beat herself up for thinking about how cute he looked as he desperately nodded while in tears.

“Okay… now breathe in and then breathe out.” Meiko took a deep breath as if she was modeling it for him.

Kaito took a deep breath and slowly regained his composure. Meiko gently rubbed his hair which made him almost purr and close his eyes. 

“Now tell me what happened.”

“I-I-I-I-I-I... I d-don't know t-tt-t-t...t-t-t-to i-i-i-i-i-i-in-in in… in-inter intera-r-ra interact w-w-wi-with-th M-M-M-M-Miku.” Meiko was really gonna have to do something about Kaito’s stuttering. It was so hard to listen too. It seemed to get really bad if he was nervous but Meiko chose not to comment on it.

“Just say hi, she actually wants to meet you.” Meiko tried to fish up a smile for Kaito.

“R-r-r-r-re... re... reall-ll-ll... reall-lly?” His eyes looked so innocent and almost curious as he sniffled into his scarf. Gross.

Meiko beamed at him before giving him another head pat “Yeah so just be friendly and i'm sure she will like you”

“O-Okay…” Meiko could tell he was skeptical but walked back to the stovetop because she didn’t want breakfast to be overcooked.

Kaito slowly trudged in with his scarf pulled up to his nose and his hands grabbing at the ends of it, protectively clutching them to his chest. With an awkward stumble he sat down on the chair furthest from Miku and they both just sat in silence. Kaito desperately tried to fix his eyes onto something in the room as Miku looked at him curiously.

“Good morning Kaito.” Miku took a sip of her tea as she returned to scrolling through her phone. It felt so normal and nonchalant, as if this was an everyday occurrence and it made Kaito definitely feel more at ease but not by much.

The sudden greeting made Kaito literally jump as if he was a cat staring at a lion.

“G-” Kaito’s face was one of concern.

“...G-” With his mouth open he desperately tried to push out a noise but nothing was coming out, slowly he started to get anxiety and the feeling that made him want to puke. It was like there was something within him preventing him from speaking. Miku quietly watched his struggle with no expression on her face.

Finally he was able to let out a noise. “Guhhhhd” Instantly Kaito’s face went beet red from shame and embarrassment. Miku let out a laugh and Meiko was desperately trying to keep her cool. 

Kaito coughed into his hand and looked away, the shade of his face only getting brighter. “G-good m-m-morning ha ha ha” Kaito desperately tried to play off his voicebank sliding. 

They both silently sat at the table, one of them in comfortable silence and the other dying from the awkwardness of the situation. The twins came hand in hand, both still in their pajamas as they took a seat. Rin noticed Kaito and snatched the opportunity to sit next to him, fighting with Len for the spot who desperately wanted help clearing some level on his Bentendo Swatch.

“Good morning Kaito-niisan.” Rin had a bubbly smile as she pushed Len away.

“Rin I thought we agreed that I was gonna sit next to him!”

Kaito only gave a nervous laugh.

Meiko put breakfast on the table and then took a seat herself. This atmosphere made Meiko want to cry tears of joy. It was this. This is what she wanted.

If only it wasn’t complete bullshit. 

If only everyone were truly happy underneath the masks they wore. Meiko noticed the bandages around Miku’s feet. The scars peeking out of Kaitos jacket. She noticed the poison that was in Rin’s voice and the desperation in Len’s. It was all subtle but it hurt as if she was being stabbed. This is fake. All of it. Yet she smiled and ate her food with a smile like always. Because Meiko knew that she was a part of this problem. 

Rin chattered about the songs she was working on to whoever would listen, mainly Kaito and Miku as Len tapped away on his Bentendo Swatch. Kaito couldn’t help stealing glances at the machine. A small frown forming on his face as he quietly ate and listened to Rin.

“-eah! I’m sure my new song is gonna be suuuuuper popular!” she stretched out her arms, whacking Len in the face.

“Hey quit it!”

“Oh!! I’m sorry len…” Rin looked down and was unusually upset at herself for it.

Miku chimed in on the conversation once in a while, everytime putting Kaito on edge. She seemed mostly distracted by something though Kaito couldn’t put his finger on it.

Eventually everyone finished eating and cleaned up their area, spreading out to either go to the recording studio, rehearse and go about their day, well almost everyone. Kaito just sat at the table and fidgeted with his scarf because he wasn’t implemented into living there, he wasn’t needed for anything. But that was fine, since he had gotten used to the feeling. 

Miku had things she needed to do, places she needed to go. If she’s sitting down and having leisure time she could be doing something productive. She winced as she stood up and each step burned. The poorly done bandages were rubbing in all the wrong places and making it worse. The pain frustrated Miku; it held her back. Miku took off her slippers and proceeded to try and fit her foot into her knee high boot. It was almost unbearable, the shoe digging into the raw skin and blistering. Miku tried her best to muffle her cries of pain but due to the open layout of the house people in the kitchen had a pretty good view of the front doorstep. 

“M-Miku? A-Are you okay?” Shyly, Kaito popped his head around the corner to check on the young idol. Kaito saw her terrible bandaging and blisters and instantly ran over.

“Miku! What on earth are you doing?! Your skin is going to get infected if you keep doing that! Jeez…” Kaito didn’t even have time to process what was happening and stutter from nervousness, especially with Miku. Miku tried her best to avoid being yelled at by Meiko, but Kaito just had… he had this sense of worry and tolerance that made her feel like no matter what she said things would be okay. It was an odd feeling to get from someone who rarely leaves their room and never interacted with her. Why does he care so much?

Kaito sat down on the ledge next to Miku.

Kaito put his hand around the base of Mikus shoe and felt her tense up.“Can you take off your shoe?” It was weird for both Kaito and Miku to speak so clearly, It’s like the words came to his brain and he just said them, no hesitation. It felt good to not overthink every little word and get nervous over it. 

“I can’t! I have to go to vocal practice, then rehearsal, and then after that learn a new song I’m very busy y’know! I’m not like you who can just sit around all day and do nothing like a lazy ass.” Immediately Miku felt terrible about what she said. 

Kaito just gave a hurt smile and focused on the predicament going on. “If you keep forcing yourself it’s only gonna get worse until eventually you won’t even be able to stand, let alone do dance practice.

The unfortunate realization dawned on Miku, she HAD to take time off. The thought filled her with anger and desperation. “I-” Her eyes were downcast looking at her foot. “I can’t take off my shoe, it burns too much.” Kaito nodded and slowly raised Miku’s foot off the ground causing a loud gasp.

“Hey!!!”

“I’m sorry j-just bear with it a little longer.”

Gently he slid the shoe off with general ease, at least a lot better than she would have been able too. 

“I’m going to pick you up”

“What! Why? I can walk just fine.” Miku puffed her head away and crossed her arms. Kaito gave a small chuckle.

“I-I don't want you aggravating your wounds anymore, it’s just a short distance to the main floor bathroom anyway.”

Kaito attempted to pick up Miku princess style… he really did. It was almost pathetic on how out of breath and shaky he got just from trying to pick her up. He awkwardly laughed in an absolutely adorable way before getting onto his knees and facing away from Miku.

“S-since I-I-I can't pick you up princess style, piggyback will have to do.”

Miku gave a small chuckle. How could she say no to him now? It made her feel… it made her feel so cared for in a way no one else did. Like the overprotective older brother she always wanted. She slid on and held his chest, placing the side of her face onto his back, he felt so warm. 

Kaito stood up wobbly and willed himself to the bathroom, every step was so difficult, so heavy. God he was so out of shape. Gently he lowered Miku onto the toilet and closed the bathroom door. 

“Haah… Haaaah Phew… Th-that was p-pr-pretty challenging wasn-wasn’t it?” 

Miku burst out laughing. “Y’know Rin can pick me up easily, you’re weak Kaito-niisan” It warmed his heart that he was being called Nii-san. He loved it.

“Ahaha...Well when you sit around for 3 years that happens”

Kaito looked at the messy bandaging and took the clip off of the ace bandages, unwrapping them as gently as he could. The sight was almost hard to look at. Blisters. Lots of them. Some of them had been damaged and drainage was on the bandage. Some of them were large and looked infected. Some just looked like skin irritation.

“Thank god we are taking care of this now.” Kaito got up and washed his hands thoroughly. Shuffling through the sink drawers he pulled items like towels, gauze, hydrogen peroxide, rubbing alcohol and the likes. He sat on a low shower stool and placed the items on a clean towel.

As he disinfected a needle with rubbing alcohol he probed Miku for more information.

“How did it get like this?” Kaito looked Miku in the eyes who was currently trying their best to avoid said eye contact. 

“Well y’know… I have a lot of things on my schedule and I can't just stop because of some foot pain. People expect me to be the best me, If I can't record new songs or give the best live shows then what's the point of even trying. As the number one Vocaloid, I have a duty to live up to their expectations.”

Kaito slowly started poking the edges of the intact blisters and painlessly draining them with gauze, patiently listening to Miku’s worries.

“I hate being number one… The stress… what did I do to deserve this! I wish I could be in your position, I’d be able to breathe, do the things I want to do. You have it so easy, I envy you.”

After Kaito finished draining all of the blisters he stood up and ran the needle under the sink water. 

“Huh? Kaito what are you doing?”

Kaito extended his arm out to Miku “Take the needle.” The tone of his voice was surprising, she didn't realize he could be so confident and demanding. Slowly she took the needle and held it in confusion.

“If I told you to stab it fully into your thigh… could you?”

Miku thought of it and just imagining made her shiver, the needle was so thick. She shook her head silently. Kaito took the needle and with one swift motion slammed it less than a centimeter away from his hand onto the marble sink with absolutely no hesitation.”

“Miku, please understand how selfish your words sound to me… I-I…” Kaito cut that train of thought and started over, swallowing his pride along with it. “Has Meiko ever told you why I’m like this?” 

“She’s talked about you but never more than a mention… It almost feels unreal to me that you’re here.”

“I see… well Miku-chan, I was first released 3 years ago, back when you were still just blueprints. I think you might’ve sold around 40’000 units your first year. How many sales do you think I’ve had in all my three years of existence?”

Miku paused and thought about it but it was definitely a smaller number. “Hmmm was it around 2’500” Kaito just gave a small smile. 

“You would be really close if you changed a single digit.”

“Ohh did you sell 5’000?” Now Miku was curious.

“Haha… no… I’ve sold 512 units”

The answer shocked Miku. Instantly she felt horrible.

“On my debut I sold 48 units in which I was considered a failure by everyone, I still am by the way” Kaito gave a small chuckle which made Miku tear up. All while he cleaned and bandaged her feet for her.

“Wh-Whyy?” Miku asked in tears. “Why are you helping me? Wouldn’t you be able to get further if I did poorly.”

Kaito shook his head and looked Miku in her beautiful teal eyes filled with tears.

“All I would accomplish from that is hatred. Miku… I’ve struggled a lot these three years. But… But I’ve decided to change, no matter how scary that is. Honestly there was a time I hated and resented you for so easily getting the things I could never dream of. I realize now that it’s worthless to play the what if game with myself… So...so don't you dare throw that away! the connection you have to people is real, even if they say you aren’t.” Kaito put the final finish on Miku’s bandages but didn’t move from his stool. His words deeply touched the now sobbing Miku.

“I'm… I’m sorry! I'll do better! I’ll practice even harder for all the Vocaloids who have been forgotten! I won’t let any of you down! I’ll go until my feet fall off!”

Once more Kaito shook his head. “You can’t do that or you won't ever be able accomplish anything. Your duty to others is important, but not as important as the duty to yourself” Kaito gently held Miku’s feet. “You need to value yourself more, you are more than what you give others. If you make a mistake and trip onstage people will forgive you. It’s not the end of the world. So make sure to give yourself a break from time to time.”

Miku lunged onto Kaito and squeezed him in a tight embrace. “Mhm...Mhmm I will Nii-san…” Miku blew her nose into Kaito’s scarf while desperately trying to wipe her tears away. “Thank you Nii-san…”

Kaito just smiled and attempted to hug back no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel because it also felt nice and warm. Kaito felt like a fool for blaming Miku and being so afraid of her.

“Ahh Uhm… Do you think you could let me go Miku-chan”

“O-oh yeah...okay…”

She stood up and got a proper tissue to blow her nose this time.

Kaito cleaned up all of the first aid supplies. “Miku-chan, I’ll come to your room every night to change your bandages. Try to stay off your feet and absolutely no shoes for at least a week.”

“I’ll try my best to stay put just for you Kaito-nii.”

“I’m glad”


End file.
